One of the questions that I have received more than a couple of times is why I post so infrequently. I do not have a lot of followers but those I do have are dedicated readers. And while I mentioned it, you guys rock for reading my ramblings, thank you!

 Today is the day you will finally get your answer.  The way things go is that I hear/see/experience something that I find maybe funny or beautiful and sometimes amazing enough to want to share it with my online gang. I feel that I absolutely I have to write about it. How could I not? It so noteworthy! And then I do… and I H A T E it, I mean deep-seated, visceral hate and disdain. How could I have written something so dull and ordinary? It is glaringly obvious that the subject matter is extremely trivial, the wording is all wrong, and apparently the ability to express myself in written form has deserted me –probably forever! The frustration is building up and quickly becomes too much to bear. At this point, I shred my paper and toss my pen away –I am old-fashioned gal this way, I still use the traditional method. All this description sounds pretty dramatic, correct? Well, it feels that way too –even though, in no way is… nevertheless, my notebook will not see any action for days.

 I will find myself in this predicament for at least four or five times. I saw, I wrote, it conquered me (my creativity, that it). The problem is that I get easily fascinated and excited so the urge to express myself is growing stronger, despite the fact that when I do, I question my ability to see the difference between what it is worth uploading and/or if it is, my skill to articulate it in a manner to be readable.

 As long as these thoughts are pestering me, all the things I want to communicate are becoming words that fester inside my brain. I try to ignore them but on the back of my head, the part of my intellect that does not give up, convinces me that I have to try again and again, otherwise all the words in my mind will force my head to explosion. Ridiculous, I know but it is every writer’s truth ( of course, now I  have to apologize for using the word ‘writer’ so fast and loose for describing myself and move on…)

 The time has come for stage two of my creative process. I start to scrawl whatever I have found to be more interesting, and by this I mean whatever subject I am thinking compulsively. After all, a girl has to say her piece. I buckle up and get to work.

 ‘I am back and better than ever’ I am thinking as I am writing something that although I do not want to set on fire, it is not good enough to upload. This piece of... work is in a desperate need of polishing.

 I read every sentence twice, I reconsider every word, I look for grammatical errors where there are none while I fail to notice those that actually exist. I edit, I polish, I refine so much that I end up with something that A) I kinda like, despite the fact that it is completely different from what it started out to be B) I can recite the whole damn thing by heart, and C) I have drained every word that demanded to be voiced.

 The third stage looks a little like OCD if hold it up to the light. I study my post obsessively, again and again like my life depends on it, I read even when I have memorized where every punctuation sign is. I bury myself in it. I dip into every phrase and every expression, wanting to make it perfect –like there is such a thing. Sometimes it will become better, but more often than not, it will stop making sense to me anymore.  And magically, somehow, comes the moment in which I transition from ‘it must blow everyone’s mind’ to ‘it is what it is’. I don’t care, my journey is complete –spoiler alert, it isn’t-.

 I open my page to upload the fruits of my labor. This action will trigger one of two reactions. I will either find the proceeding posts tedious in comparison to the new one or vice versa.

 In the first scenario, a battle within me will start to not hit the delete button. I will fight tooth and nail to not erase my previous work, I will reason that although it should be destroyed for being so sub-par, it also shows my progress and in return I will show mercy and save it from the online trash bin. For now… - insert evil laugh here-

 Sometimes, though, I will find that despite my best efforts, the current piece does not measure up to the previous ones. Again a struggle will begin – I mean WWIII is taking place inside my head-. Should I start from scratch, give up entirely the whole ‘blogging’ thing or post it and let the online community decide? As my perfectionism combats my laziness to go back to the drawing board, my hand will drop the nuclear bomb to stop it all and hit the ‘upload’ button.

 Once a post has been made public all my doubts about its quality will disappear, until the time comes for the next one, where the vicious circle, just described, will start all over again. And this is why I do not post often!

 To make a long story short, sometimes I keep my crazy to myself others I am here sharing it with you guys. Enjoy it!

KISSES.

E!